Some things

I don't know what to right; I have rewritten this blog post 3 times already and I hate each one.

I hate that we as a country feel so lost.

I hate that a fully qualified person lost a race that she should have won.

I hate how scared I am for my friends.

I hate feeling like I am not doing enough.

Yesterday, someone posted a video about the difference between 

"non" racist and "anti" racists.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/video/2016/jan/13/marlon-james-are-you-racist-video

And it really struck a cord with me because for a long time I feel like I was a "non" and I can't be that anymore.  I can't just stand by while a group tries to take away my rights, the rights of my friends, and discredit my career and scientific proof of things that cannot be denied.

And I know this feels like yet another straight white woman joining the fight but damn it guys I'm sick of me.  I'm sick of just being a clicktivist.  

I am going to the Women's March tomorrow in Chicago and for the first time ever; I am standing with a group making my voice heard.  I'm tired of trying to be perfect.  I tired of being quiet.  I am going to (respectfully) raise hell and be noisy because too many women (and men) have fought for my fight to be so and to many people's voices are being made silent.

http://ew.com/tv/2017/01/12/black-ish-donald-trump-election/

It is time to make noise and to "provoke outrage, outright".

I don't want us to get into fistacuffs, I don't want there to be violence, I want there to be a mutual exchange of respect and understanding.  Respect isn't just given out though, it has to be earned.

And if this ends up going okay, and people don't lose all of their rights and we have to eat our words I will gladly eat my boot and say I am wrong.  But while I am an optimist I am also a realist....and it's always best to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Be a light to others, hug your loved ones, share kindness with a stranger, let people know they are not along.  It's going to be an interesting 4 years.

Actress On The Run

A start

Hello friends,

Well, it happened.  The Muddy Mortal Transformation Challenge has begun and we had to share photos (not on the Facebook page, thank goodness) but since strangers have seen them I thought you, readers, should see them too.  Sorry not sorry?

See, I really hate these photos; I am curvy in places I don't like and the lack of self-love and care is just SO EVIDENT it makes me mad; I haven't learned how to love myself yet.  I'm trying to learn how to not focus on a number and to just go on how I feel...but I don't feel super awesome right now.  I'm so excited; I'm working on some really great theatre and figuring out things for the documentary...but I just feel stuck.  I don't know if it's because I dreamed up when I was younger that I would be in such a different place than I am in now.  Maybe I am scared that I'm just not good enough...of all of it.  It's a hard thing to wrap your head around when you're directing a film on changing how media perceives people but I keep comparing myself to the media and to other people in my life.  It's humbling and sad that at 27 I'm making the first steps towards truly loving myself...which is like 1/2 a baby step at a time.

The new show I am working on is called "ID" and it deals with how you identify yourself and how others label you (super diluted, not actually their concept statement but now you have a rough idea) and it's proving more difficult than I thought it would be.  We had to do a writing exercise and I ended up just writing curse words and venting anger...which is good to get out but I'm not sure where it all came from.  I have always fought labels but at the same time have put to much into them; I am the good girl at home, I am a wife, an actress, a friend, etc etc but I don't know how I would label myself not through the lens of others.  People see me as a goody-goody; is that right? Am I truly that?  What is a label? Are they necessary? Where do I fit with it?  Stuff that I have been struggling with since I was in high school has decided to perk it's head up...and I just hope that I'm more ready to fight it now.  I was not popular in high school but around sophomore/junior year I decided that I didn't care and that I liked me...and it stayed with me all throughout college for the most part.  But I think in the move to Chicago and all of the wonderful life things that have happened since then...I've forgotten why I decided I liked myself.  I wish I could be like Gabourey Sidibe and just be like "One day I decided I liked myself and that was it." and it be that easy.  I'm trying.  I'm trying every day.  But I guess I need to remember that we get to choose every day how we approach our life.  It's the most important one we make and its one I think we all forget to do.  We have a lot of power...if we're willing to step up.

Come see us! Two rehearsals in and it's already awesome :)

So, I'm going to look at those photos and while I don't like them (at all) I will respect that that is where I am at; and do what I think is best to get to where I want to go.  And, hopefully, our check in picture will be a little different.

Ta-ta for now.
Actress on the Run

Hello there

Hey everyone!


So...it's been a bit. Only a bit...

It's been over a year.

Over a year of not writing, not really running, and just sorta forgetting about this blog.


I'm sure none of you have missed it but I came across one of my old post during a Facebook memories session and I realized that I do miss it; I miss blogging.  And I am starting a new healthy living/exercise thing and I thought maybe people would be interested in hearing my opinion on it etc.


Also, it will probably keep me more honest.

So, first things first:  while 2016 had absolutely no races at all, 2017 has at least 1 and possibly another in November.  Plus I am working on a documentary.  And am currently in two shows.  And attending 3 weddings in the next year.

So...I'm not busy at all :P

But I decided earlier December 2016 that with me turning 27 (which is not old but for some reason that age just holds something for me) I decided I was going to start getting healthier and learning to love my body more.

Let me explain:

I like being strong and being a runner and all of the benefits that come from being healthy; but I know that I CANNOT cut out foods from my life...it won't work.  I'll binge later or just not care and that's how I got to the shape I am in now (which isn't super bad...just more fluffy).  And it had gotten too cold to go running outside (or I was too out of practice...anyways).  But we have these stairs at work and I decided that if it was too cold to work out outside...I'd just bring the workout to the inside. 

My new gym

It has been interesting to say the least; I have found 5 good workout plans on Pintrest that I'm liking so far and I've been at it for a total of two weeks; not very long but a start since my job is nothing but sitting down now.  My co-workers seem impressed and while I'm doing it for me, the ego boost is definitely welcomed.  I'm not 100% sure what I'll do when it gets warm out but as of now I am liking how is going.

Upper body workouts got me like...ugh...

The race I am running is called Muddy Mortal and it's a Harry Potter inspired obstacle race and I am super excited (and a little nervous) because I have never done a race with obstacles before.  But if I did a half marathon I can do this! (Right?) But I am joining their little 12 week "Get Fit" program because:
1) It's free
2) It'll help me stay accountable

And I am in a couple of shows so you'll be getting updates on that as well!  But I think this post is probably long enough right now...so I'll say adieu and I promise not to wait a year to post again.

Ta-ta!
Actress on the Run

Life is sweet

Hey everyone!

Well...it happened.

I ran my last race of the 2015 season and let me tell you, it was sweet.

My race was the Hot Chocolate 5k and while it was cold, it was really cool to end the season with the race that started my racing here in Chicago.

I love this race for the simple reason that it is fun and also there is a legit expo attached to it.  Running and shopping? Yes please.

It was a cooler start today but I'd prefer that over humidity any day!  Mike was kind enough to come down with me to be there when I was done, which was sweet but I was in a panic this morning because while I set the alarm, I forgot to turn it on *forehead slap*.  We made it down there with plenty of time but for everyone who knows me...being late is not how I do things.

It has been a while since I ran this race but it was as fun as I remember it being! Halfway through the race they were handing out chocolate for an energy boost; and while that is not super great for my diet I had not eaten yet that morning so I munched it down.  All I can hope is that I have no chocolate in my teeth or on my mouth for any of the photos!

And I did it in 30 minutes! 30 minutes 10 seconds to be exact but I am super happy about that time!

I should do a race wrap up about all my races, but I think that is going to wait until closer to the end of the year...

Hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday- I'm just gonna chill and warm up for a bit :)

Until next time, keep running strong!

Actress on the Run

Rainy night contemplations

Hey everyone!

So...how many of you thought I was done writing?  Because I was right there with you.

It has been, to say the least, a very busy month and a half.


I costume designed a show and realized freaking hard it is to do that and have now realized that costume designing is probably not in my future.  I love making costumes and designing them but I just don't think I am cut out for large productions; maybe I'll just stick with Halloween and cons.

I'm settling into married life, which has been great!  But...also rather undramatic?  I mean, we've talked and had the usual 'getting to know how to live with another person' moments but I guess I thought when one got married there was suppose to be some seismic shift in the relationship and you.  I haven't noticed that; maybe that is a good thing!  But it's still strange...but I will say that I could not have gotten through the last month without him...he's my goofy solid rock always down for beer and Netflix.  Okay-semi- mushy part over.

I started a documentary! Well, I started fundraising and contacting people about a documentary I'm producing!  It's called Today I Feel and it explores how media affects women in all of the aspects of our lives.  The tagline is:

"In a world that preaches Love Yourself but shows you everything but, how are you suppose to become the person you're meant to be?"

This idea has been in my head for a long time.  I'm talking junior year of college long time.  And I'm finally brave enough to do it!  Or...so sick of not getting work that I've decided to create my own.  Both are valid reasons.

Running has been...challenging.  I haven't been running nearly enough to be truly competitive in my upcoming 5k and I just feel lazy.  Stuck. Gross.  I've gained some weight since the wedding and while it's not a huge amount, it's starting to bother me.  But I'm not trying to do anything about it which also pisses me off because I can't figure out a way to get myself motivated again.  Part of me thinks it's so two faced of me to be making a documentary about loving yourself and then wishing I could lose some weight.  And truly it is not a lot, 5-10 lbs at most.  But I just don't feel fit anymore; but I don't exert any energy to try to get fit.  I wish I could grab myself by my own shoulders and yank me out of this circle...but I can't.  Maybe one day..but not yet.

I'm trying to not get discouraged with my lack of acting gigs right now...but I'm facing the horrendous face that I may not be that good of any actress...or that there are some really talented girls out there (and I've met quite a few of you so no DENYING THIS FACT). And that's a scary thought because I really can't see myself but this.  I know patience is a huge thing and I'm trying but...this is my blog and I'll vent if I want to I guess.

So...that's it I guess.  My rundown.  I really want to get back to Minnesota.  I want to do right by people with my documentary.  I've been busy and my husband is amazing.  I bet most of you were wishing I just wrote that instead of all this.

Oh well.

Until next time, keep running strong!

Actress on the Run 

Well hey there!

Hey everybody!

Did you miss me? Probably not but I'm going to pretend you did anyways for the sake of my ego ( :) ).  It's been a LONG time since my last post so this one might get a bit lengthy...so buckle up y'all!

First things first (except not really first in the timeline of things) I got married!  Yep, Mr. Michael and I tied the knot on August 22nd and it turned out to be a beautiful day; it had been raining all week and I was mentally preparing myself for having the wedding indoors (no big deal you say...hahahaha...you're funny) but the weather finally cleared and it was a glorious day.  The sky stayed grey for photos which helped her out and the sun came out just for the ceremony! And I'm not lying; it started raining while Mike and I were dismissing people!  I had a blast, Mike had a blast, and I think everyone invited had a blast as well.  To all of the people reading this blog who were there, helped in any sort of way, or thought positive thoughts to us that day I would like to thank you again; it is a day to remember.

Second thing; I survived the Rock The Night 5k!  It was SO HOT AND HUMID OH MY GOODNESS!  I made a video about it on my YouTube channel and while I do suggest you watch it because I did day of recording, the basic break down of that video is I WOULD RATHER RUN A HALF MARATHON THEN A 5K IN 90 DEGREE HEAT WITH HUMIDITY ANY DAY.  

It.

Was.

Miserable.

I got to run with one of my friends (and bridesmaid!) Abi and her uncle which was fun, but that was the only thing that was fun about it.  I did it in okay time (33 minutes? Something like that...no more than 35) but it felt like I was running in slow motion, ugh!  I am definitely a fall/winter runner...but now I know that.


I'm costume designing a show at the moment which is great and a little scary; I haven't worked on such a big show before.  I have a wonderful assistant (thank goodness) and the company I'm working for is great ( Cult Camp Productions what what!), but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous about it; I want it to look good and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything at the moment (yay transitions!).

I have a race tomorrow that I'm probably not in the best shape for, but let's see how it goes!  It's the We Run Bucktown 5k and it should be fun, but I'm getting a little tired of racing.  Or maybe I'm just a little burnt out from the last few months.  I just know that spacing will be taken more into consideration the next time I plan races.

I'm coming to a crossroads with my job(s) and I'm so unsure of which way to go, I'm not just thinking about me anymore, I have to consider what I do and how it will affect Mike as well.  I'm such an anxious person that the ideas of change freak me out a bit; yet I always yearn for new things.  Mike has been such an anchor in this and it is nice to know that someone always has my back; I'm lucky enough that my parents are like that too but there is something different about that.  That last sentence was constructed horribly but y'all have to deal with it.

I'm sure there are other things I should be writing about, but right now this is all you're getting.  Hopefully I'll become a better (aka consistent) blogger and vlogger, who knows.  But thanks for reading!

Until next time, keep running strong!

Actress on the Run

This is my body

 Hey everyone!
This is not a running update; even though I have a race on Thursday.

It's not about Letters To Antonio (which went really well).

This isn't about the wedding (which is getting closer).

This is about my body.

These are pictures I took today; this is my body.

This is the body that has run one half marathon and three 5k's with three more this year alone.

This is the body that gets on stage and performs and helps me become different characters.

This is the body that I've worked for but can work on more.

This is the body that has been under scrutinty.

This is the body that I go from loving to disliking in any given day.

This is the body that when I go shopping that I'll have a "good body day" and not get discouraged when things don't fit or the number isn't the one I want.

This is the body that has trouble accepting compliments because I can't compliment it.

This is the body that knows how to love people.

This body knows how to laugh.

This body is not afraid of emotions.

This body has seen a lot and will continue to see a lot.

This is the body I'm trying to accept when society tells me that I don't fit the mold.

This is the body that I'm trying to love even on days I feel unlovable.

This is my body; good or bad, it's mine until I die.

I know it's hard for people to truly be confident in their body; I struggle with it a lot.  And I know it's hard to compare yourself to others.  Don't.  Be yourself and love yourself but also remember that it will take time too.  One day you'll be able to look at your body and go "Damn, I look good!" And I hope that you start to believe people when they say your beautiful, because you are.  And maybe you're already confident in yourself and love your body- to you I say congratulations! You've done it!  But I do ask that you be patient for the rest of us.  

As long as you're "healthy", happy, and feel content...you're the right size.  If God wanted us all to look and be the same he would've made it so.  So even if you don't believe it now, I believe in you.  And maybe one day we'll all be super confident and completely change the world.  I'm looking forward to it.

Your 'pin-spiration'

Thanks for reading this train of thought post.

Until next time, keep running strong!

Actress on the Run