Well, it happened. The Muddy Mortal Transformation Challenge has begun and we had to share photos (not on the Facebook page, thank goodness) but since strangers have seen them I thought you, readers, should see them too. Sorry not sorry?
See, I really hate these photos; I am curvy in places I don't like and the lack of self-love and care is just SO EVIDENT it makes me mad; I haven't learned how to love myself yet. I'm trying to learn how to not focus on a number and to just go on how I feel...but I don't feel super awesome right now. I'm so excited; I'm working on some really great theatre and figuring out things for the documentary...but I just feel stuck. I don't know if it's because I dreamed up when I was younger that I would be in such a different place than I am in now. Maybe I am scared that I'm just not good enough...of all of it. It's a hard thing to wrap your head around when you're directing a film on changing how media perceives people but I keep comparing myself to the media and to other people in my life. It's humbling and sad that at 27 I'm making the first steps towards truly loving myself...which is like 1/2 a baby step at a time.
The new show I am working on is called "ID" and it deals with how you identify yourself and how others label you (super diluted, not actually their concept statement but now you have a rough idea) and it's proving more difficult than I thought it would be. We had to do a writing exercise and I ended up just writing curse words and venting anger...which is good to get out but I'm not sure where it all came from. I have always fought labels but at the same time have put to much into them; I am the good girl at home, I am a wife, an actress, a friend, etc etc but I don't know how I would label myself not through the lens of others. People see me as a goody-goody; is that right? Am I truly that? What is a label? Are they necessary? Where do I fit with it? Stuff that I have been struggling with since I was in high school has decided to perk it's head up...and I just hope that I'm more ready to fight it now. I was not popular in high school but around sophomore/junior year I decided that I didn't care and that I liked me...and it stayed with me all throughout college for the most part. But I think in the move to Chicago and all of the wonderful life things that have happened since then...I've forgotten why I decided I liked myself. I wish I could be like Gabourey Sidibe and just be like "One day I decided I liked myself and that was it." and it be that easy. I'm trying. I'm trying every day. But I guess I need to remember that we get to choose every day how we approach our life. It's the most important one we make and its one I think we all forget to do. We have a lot of power...if we're willing to step up.
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| Come see us! Two rehearsals in and it's already awesome :) |
So, I'm going to look at those photos and while I don't like them (at all) I will respect that that is where I am at; and do what I think is best to get to where I want to go. And, hopefully, our check in picture will be a little different.
Ta-ta for now.
Actress on the Run
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